Nowhere to Be Found – Chapter 10

Editor: P’Raikantopeni

“What’s the matter?”

When there was a patch of salty blurriness before my eyes, this voice made my whole person jump up with a start.

That person walked out from my bedroom, stiffly lowering his head to look at me. There was still a large blanket in his hands.

“Ah, I…” He pointed at the blanket in his hands and rambled, “Today, it’s very sunny, so I’ll air out… the blankets in your room… because you said it was cold… I also washed the blankets and clothes…”

It was really too great that he didn’t leave.

I let out a long sigh of relief, and the somewhat faint hope at the bottom of my heart stirred.

Meeting his eyes, the memories from last night vividly resurfaced on his body. There was an awkward blush on Wenyang’s handsome face. He shifted his eyes away, not daring to look at me. “That… last night…”

I fearfully listened to the final judgment.

“Last night… I’m sorry…”

My heart that had risen to my throat suddenly dropped down, but it didn’t fall to the bottom. It just kept, kept falling down.

“It’s okay…” I hoarsely cut him off.

Please don’t keep talking. I know what you want me to do. I will forget it. I definitely won’t mention it again. If necessary, I can also disappear from before you.

“I’m really sorry…”

Don’t keep talking, please!!

“Idiot,” I abruptly started laughing, “what are you apologizing for? You didn’t do anything.”

He finally raised his eyes and looked at me.

I chuckled as I played with my hair that wasn’t messy at all: “There’s no need for an expression full of guilt. I’m not a girl. I won’t need you to take responsibility. Don’t worry.”

“It’s so cold. I have to go change into thick clothes~” I retracted my neck and made a shivering movement. I walked into my bedroom. Before closing the door, I turned back and smiled at him, “I’m very sorry for seducing you.”

Changing clothes definitely wasn’t an excuse. I really felt cold, so chilled that even my heart twitched and shrank into a lump.

I mechanically buttoned the buttons. My frozen fingers weren’t very nimble. I used a full half hour before I was completely and neatly dressed.

I used another ten minutes to wipe clean the tears that had covered my face at some unknown time.

Opening the door, I realized that Wenyang was still silently standing in the living room. Hearing the sound, he raised his head and looked at me.

Just having to avoid his sharp gaze made me feel flustered.

“What do you want to eat for lunch? Er, don’t you like eating Japanese food?” I only wanted to quickly find an excuse to walk out of this suffocating room, “I’ll go buy nori and sashimi… Or should I just directly buy sushi?”

“I’ll go.” He said dully, “You should have a good rest.”

“Why don’t I go.” I nervously walked past his side. When my hand reached towards the doorknob, I had the illusion that I was running for my life.

“Xiao Jing—”  

All of my movements stopped. My hand was warm. His warm and dry large hands firmly pressed against the back of my hand.

Nervousness and surprise made me so stiff that I couldn’t move. I let him pull my hand away from the door.

Finally, both of my hands fell into his palms.

He silently stood behind me, intertwining his fingers with mine.

I was shivering slightly, starting to become muddled.

“Does it hurt a lot?” When the warm breath came beside my ear, I even forgot how to breathe.

“Will it hurt a lot?”

“I’m sorry… I must have hurt you last night… I really went too far…”

When he turned my body over to face him, I didn’t have any strength to resist at all. In those beautiful eyes that were very close to me, I clearly saw my helpless and weak face.

“I – I’m going to buy…” His humid and hot breathing that became closer and closer could already touch my lips. My brain was dizzy from my heartbeat. My small and weak voice suddenly stopped.

I didn’t understand why he had to kiss me at this time, but I didn’t have the strength to struggle, and I didn’t have the chance to ask. His moist and burning lips gently covered my lips. He used a lot of strength, yet the movement was gentle. The kiss was so pure that it wasn’t deep, but it made me feel a passion, like my whole body as well as my soul were going to be drawn in. I had never known that just lip to lip contact could be so deeply moving and shocking.

When we kissed, he kept holding my hand. His broad palm forcefully covered it. My ice-cold fingers fell deeply inside, unable to be freed.

Once his lips moved away, I lowered my head as though I had lost support. My eyes were fixed on my feet and my ears were filled with bursts of heat because I felt his gaze.  

“…Come back quickly.”

I nodded hastily, pulling my hand out of his hand.

When I ran down the stairs, it seemed like I could hear the sound of my blood pumping. I used the hand he had held to cover my face. His warmth still remained on the hand. It already wasn’t as ice-cold as before, but the warmth of my face was burning hot.

I was never able to use such light seps to walk the day after experiencing intense sex. I felt like I was about to fly, and that pair of flying wings was love.

I felt, I thought, that sudden and long kiss before going out, should be the foreshadowing of love. His lips, his fingers, and everything, seemed to be telling me that he liked me.

Perhaps his “sorry” wasn’t regret that he had slept with me. He was just apologizing for his own roughness in the process.

In the window of the bus, I saw my own face. It was bright red, covered with an uncontrollable smile.

Such complete and pure happiness.

Thinking that perhaps I could receive his love, I nearly cried with a smile.

The last thing I saw before losing consciousness was the box of salmon sashimi that Wenyang liked. It was packaged prettily and neatly. I held it carefully in my hands the whole way, for fear of crushing that exquisite box and the raw pink fish inside. Yet when I fell, it was heavily thrown out, scattering red all over the ground.

There were two men inside the room I was brought to. One was Eric; the other I had never met. Tall and slender, his handsome face should be completely unfamiliar, but there seemed to be a kind of inexplicable familiarity.

A burning sensation spread over my four limbs. I writhed uncomfortably on the bed. The rubbing of the rough bedsheet sent bursts of pain through my chest. The intense ramming of the man behind me accompanied the burning sensation sweeping through my lower abdomen. I made an effort to bite my lip before I swallowed down the scream that had surged up my throat.

I convulsed as I grabbed the blankets. The wild rhythm that seemed about to tear my body still continued.

It seemed it had nearly been an hour already… The drug was really strong.

I thought numbly.

The person who had been drugged was not me. It was the man who was raping me.

Before holding me down, the man’s struggling face that had nearly become distorted made me start to doubt who was the real victim. When he madly tore off my clothes, I saw that his eyes were full of despair and pain. He also wasn’t willing, but the drug Eric had forcefully stuffed into his mouth was clearly enough to destroy the rationality of the most tenacious person.

The effects of the drug gradually drained from his body with time and venting out, until he completely calmed down. As though being liberated, I had just little by little spread out my body that had twisted together from convulsions. All of my strength and anger seemed to be drained out, as I blankly lay on the bed.

I heard him stand up, pouncing on Eric to snatch the camera in his hands. After the futile grappling and struggling, his voice trembled weakly: “Why…”

“I only want that child to see what his beloved father looks like making love to a man~~ He must not have even dared to think about it, right? You and a man on the bed aren’t much better than wild dogs…”

“Pa!!” A heavy slap in the face.

“How do you know he…”

“Pa!” This time, that man’s face was hit. Eric’s originally light tone became a gnashing of teeth: “Don’t treat me as a fool! You hid it from me for so many years… Even your son has already grown up… When did you marry that woman, ah?! Those years I wasn’t here, what good things did you do!!”

“I didn’t…” A weak voice.

“You still want to lie to me!” Eric grabbed that man’s hair, his actions abnormally rough. “If I didn’t see that child with my own eyes, I really wouldn’t know what awful acts you’ve done behind my back! Why did I never know that you were interested in women? Didn’t you always only like men? Ah?!!”

“Speaking of…” Eric suddenly started to smile, “That little devil… Not only does he look exactly the same as you, even his temper is just as strong. If I let him see the things that were just recorded, that arrogant little guy definitely won’t be able to stand it, right?”

“You… beast!” The man fought Eric as though he had gone crazy. Eric pushed him away without being swayed in the slightest, walked over and lowered his head to look at me: “Xiao Jing, today as the supporting role, you performed very remarkably.”

I stared at him, my voice hoarse: “Why was it me?!”

No matter what resentment you have, what does it have to do with me? What did I do? Why do you have to do this to me?

“Ah.” Eric smiled slightly as he touched my ice-cold face, “Because you are the best choice… Believe me, your appearance will make the result even more wonderful.”

I spat in his face.

He wiped it off without a change in expression. Maintaining his smile, he straightened up and faced that man: “Andy… you have to know that I’m narrow-minded. I love being jealous. That child and that woman… I won’t let go even one… Haha, why are you looking at me with such pitiful eyes? I won’t kill them. Don’t worry. I… will make them live more miserably than if they died.”

“Xiao Jing.” He turned his head and smiled at me, “You’re always so cute in bed. Sure enough, you didn’t disappoint me. Even your appearance as you struggled and cried until your face was covered with tears was so charming.”

I helplessly watched him easily stop Andy’s struggles, covering his waist and carrying him out of the room.

My mind was a mess. Toward the things that had just happened, I was still incapable of fully digesting them.

I did my best to comfort myself. I was beyond the age of crying about my virginity. I treated this meaningless process of penetration and ejaculation as a nightmare. If it had happened, then it had happened. I was a man anyway. It was no big deal.

But that inexplicable fear stayed wrapped around my heart.

I was afraid of the things that Eric had recorded. Who would be the audience?

I staggered back to the apartment. I stood at the entrance for a very long time before opening the door fearfully. Wenyang, who was sitting on the living room couch, immediately stood up. There was clear anxiety on his face.

“Where did you go? Why did you just get back now?”

I used the high collar of my coat to hide the bruises left all over my neck. Lowering my eyes, I stammered, “I met a classmate. We talked for a while…”

He let out a sigh, putting a hand on my shivering shoulder: “I had thought… Right, what about the things you bought?”

“I fell down… They’re ruined…”

I again remembered the scattered pink that had fallen over the ground in my vision, before losing consciousness to diethyl ether. I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my eyes.

“You fell?” He reached out a hand to take off my coat. I hurriedly pushed him away with force, taking two steps back.

He awkwardly drew his hand back: “I… just wanted to see where you were hurt.”

“I wasn’t – wasn’t hurt anywhere.” I pulled my clothes a little tighter, “I’ll… go take a shower…”

Before Wenyang’s suspicious eyes fell on me, I hurriedly rushed into the bathroom.

I was afraid that he would realize that on my body, that… which all men were very clear about… the smell of semen…

I had nightmares all night. They repeatedly featured Eric and that Andy’s faces. At the end, without any surprise, they all became Wenyang.

I went to find Lee the next day. Like all raped and recorded victims, I was afraid that in the very few circulated porn discs, I would find the VCD that I had starred in. The reality of being raped, compared with the fear of other people watching the entire process, had already become insignificant.

Lee was about to go mad with hatred, but he couldn’t do anything to Eric. He could only stay silent and secretly investigate the privately recorded amateur discs that had recently gone on the market.

“No…”

“No…”

“No…”

I bought them one by one and looked through them, enduring those sickening scenes. Seeing that the person in them wasn’t me, the feeling of ease was very soon drowned by another even stronger uneasiness. I kept feeling like that thing was like a time bomb. It was unseen. Only the sound of the ticking could be heard. The terror of waiting for the explosion at some unknown time could drive a person crazy.

Another day of futile searching ended. When I climbed up the stairs, my feet were trembling with pain.

“Wenyang.”

He, who was squatting in front of the VCD player fiddling with something, raised his head and smiled slightly at me: “Dinner is ready. Go wash your hands first, and take out the bowls and chopsticks.”

“Okay.” I was so tired that I didn’t want to speak.

“I don’t know what this is.” He was full of interest, “This thing was actually in the mailbox.”

“Probably an advertisement,” I said thoughtlessly as I walked into the kitchen. 

!!!!

My whole body suddenly went stiff.

That voice…

I turned around and looked at the television screen in horror, screaming out: “Turn it off. Turn it off!!!”

But the two people entangled and moving on the screen still continued. I stood, unable to move, watching mine and Andy’s faces distorted by lust clearly enlarged before Wenyang’s eyes.

Wenyang’s face instantly became frighteningly pale, rendering me unable to make a sound. He and I were turned to stone like we had been cursed, pallid and unable to think.

“Turn – turn it off.” I didn’t know how long it took for me to find my own voice. Wenyang stared at the screen, stupefied. After a long time, he turned his head to look at me.

“What is this?” he asked.

The question was so simple, yet I couldn’t answer it.

“What happened?” He spoke softly and quietly. Rather than asking, he may as well be speaking to himself.

I mechanically spoke the truth: “I… I was raped…”

“Nonsense!” His eyes that were staring at him went red: “You went to seduce him, right?!”

I was stunned, starting to doubt my own ears.

“You first went to seduce him, right? How could he be with a man?!!” He even looked at me with hatred and anger, “He isn’t a pervert!”

Pervert?! …Was he talking… about me?

“You really have skill…” His grip on my shoulder was like a leopard about to tear its prey into pieces, furious and out of control, “You, you slut…”

My brain exploded with a boom. I swayed for a moment, my feet unsteady.

“Just what did you do to him? You seduced him like you seduced me?! Or do you have an even better method?!” He shook me viciously, his hand so forceful that he nearly crushed my shoulder blades, “You really are shameless…”

The pain seemed like it would penetrate into my marrow. My mind was a mess. Confusion, aggrievance, sorrow, and anger merged with an overwhelming force. For a moment, even breathing felt difficult.

“I didn’t…” I heard my own voice, breathlessly floating in the air, piercing, “He really ra…”

I hadn’t even finished speaking when I was slapped hard in the face. I stopped speaking.

He hit me for the first time, I thought emptily, as my head weakly turned to one side. 

The slap that had made half my face numb was just the prelude. When I was dragged into the room by my hair, I started to resist. My abdomen was pinned down by one of his knees, and my stomach turned violently. I felt a slight sweet and fishy taste in my mouth. The corner of my mouth was probably split. I had never seen Wenyang this unreasonable and cruel. When he straddled my waist and tore away the coat that seemed particularly fragile, I suddenly returned to when I was being raped by Eric.

Of course, he was Zhuo Wenyang. He was different from Eric. So I struggled more helplessly, filled with despair.

Wenyang, why is it that even you are doing this to me?  

Both legs were forcefully pulled apart and the pain as though I were being harshly torn into two afterward was deeply seared in my nerves and memory, just like how his furious and ice-cold face looking down on me was frozen on my retinas.

Even my fingertips started to twitch with pain. I wanted to scream, but I could only open my mouth in vain, unable to let out a sound. Every movement seemed like a soldering iron was being rubbed on a wound. I trembled so much that I could nearly hear the veins in my head jumping wildly. My heart seemed about to split open.

Why was his expression always so cold and without any warmth? I couldn’t find a shadow of pity.

Wenyang, I’m really in pain. I can’t stand the pain anymore.

Wenyang, I beg you to stop, okay? Whatever I did wrong, you can hit me or scold me. Don’t do this to me…

When the anger gradually drained from him, he finally pushed me away. He stood up, indifferently putting on his clothes.

“Wenyang…” I said quietly, my throat dry and rough.

He didn’t turn around.

“Wenyang…” To say the truth, even if it was like this, I still didn’t feel like I hated him. I was only afraid. I kept feeling that he was about to leave me.

“Wenyang…” I felt sad and uneasy. I wanted to reach out a hand to touch his back that was a little far away. At least turn your head to look at me. I don’t need an explanation, and I don’t need an apology. As long as you look at me one more time, I’ll forgive you.

Having put on his clothes, he suddenly turned his head and stared at me: “You said he raped you?!”

I was puzzled for a while before I understood his meaning. I nodded fearfully.

“Oh?!” He laughed scornfully: “But he is my father.”

Wenyang’s father.

The tall, handsome, loving… father, who he had mentioned to me before, who was practically like a god to him.

I was stunned for a long time, unable to digest his last sentence. I finally understood what I should do.

I should apologize, I should repent, and I should admit my wrongs. To Wenyang, his father was flawless and perfect. He couldn’t dirtily like a man, let alone do those filthy things on the screen. If someone absolutely had to take responsibility for this disgraceful matter, then of course that person was me.

I was shameless anyway. I was lowly. I was filthy. I didn’t know shame, and I would voluntarily get into a man’s bed.

I had a record. I had seduced the son. Of course, I would also go seduce the father.

It was now that I completely understood. It was good that I hadn’t understood too late.

I had figured it out, and briefly started laughing: “I’m sorry, I was wrong. I didn’t know he was your dad. Really, I didn’t know.”

“Of course, your father is a normal person. He isn’t gay.” My smile widened uncontrollably, “I was the one who seduced him. I’m really sorry.”

“I even seduced you. I should really die for my sins…” I kept smiling without stop, until even tears had come out, “I harmed both you and your father. I’m shameless. I should die.”

This answer should be the one he wanted, right?

Wenyang left and didn’t come back again. His decision was right, to hurriedly stay far away from someone like me before he completely became a pervert.

I was relatively dense and relatively slow to understand. It was only today that I realized that I belonged to the abnormal type. Normal people looked down on us, and Wenyang was also one of the normal people. So he looked down on me.

Compared to his father’s dignity and his faith in him for over a decade, what did I matter?

I thought that it was still more suitable for me to be with Lee and the others. That circle* was the place where I should stay. Everyone was the same, so awful that no one had the right to look down on anyone. There, Lin Jing was the stars and the moon. Everyone had to dote on him and watch him eagerly.
[*Social circle]

I thought of the little mermaid story I had watched when I was young. That foolish mermaid had a pipedream to become a human’s bride. She suffered a lot, but at the end, she still didn’t receive the prince’s love. She became a pile of boring sea foam.

If she were an obedient princess in the palace at the bottom of the sea, she should have been so happy. Before meeting that prince, she was originally so happy.

I wanted to return to that quiet bottom of the sea.

I started to drink a lot of wine and think very little. I realized that if I didn’t think about Zhuo Wenyang, my life would be very relaxed and very happy. Those days I left him, I didn’t even cry once. I was always drunk and smiling nonstop.

It turned out that as long as I forgot about this person, I could never be sad.

Happiness was something that could be done so simply and easily. Strange. Why had I never realized this before?

When I was waiting for the red light to change, the wind suddenly became a little strong. I squinted my eyes.

Tonight, I drank a lot of wine again. My head was spinning, and the soles of my feet were floating, like I was stepping on cotton. I started to regret not letting Lee accompany me just now and had insisted on stumbling and wandering around alone outside.

“Xiao Jing!”

I jumped in surprise.

“Xiao Jing!!” When I heard that familiar voice, I was so frightened that I nearly didn’t even have the courage to turn around.

I was very afraid. I didn’t want to see him again, and I couldn’t see him again. It was difficult for me to forget, and it was difficult for me to want to escape.

I saw him running hastily toward me.

With a scream, I ran away quickly in a panic.

Don’t come over anymore. Please stay farther away from me.

I want to return to my bottom of the sea…

Don’t force me to become sea foam.

I only… want to quietly live at the bottom of the sea…

Glaring light shone on my face. I stopped, wanting to see whether or not he had caught up.

I suddenly realized that I was standing in the middle of the road.

Being engulfed by the darkness happened in an instant. In the dizziness, I heard the piercing sound of brakes, screams, and the chaotic footsteps of a crowd. Amidst a jumble of disordered voices, there was a very, very clear voice, so sharp that it nearly pierced my eardrum, “Xiao Jing!!!”

By the time blood flowed out of my body, I had already stopped feeling pain. In a few short seconds, my faint consciousness quickly filtered through image after image, from he who was standing behind the bar on the first day with a smile, to he who sneered at me in the last moment. They blurred, went far away, and finally completely vanished.

I thought of the little mermaid’s pile of sad bubbles.

The past was finally gradually melting away. 

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Translator’s note: The scene with Eric (Lu Feng) and Andy (Cheng Yichen) is also in Round Trip.